Balance
by CatWingsAthena
Summary: When Rey saw Snoke die and fought his guards, she felt something Jedi aren't supposed to feel-happiness at another's pain. Now, she's worried she's turning to the Dark Side-and goes to the only person on the ship who might know anything about that process for advice. Space Mom Leia is quick to ease her worries. "Did I ever tell you about that time I killed a Hutt?" Post-TLJ.


**A/N: Hey, everybody! First off, this fic has some not-entirely-complimentary things to say about the Jedi Order. If that's not your cup of tea, *waves hand* this is not the fic you're looking for. Move along. With that out of the way, please be warned that, while there is absolutely nothing sexual here, this fic talks about mind-invasion in terms that, for some, may be reminiscent of sexual assault. Do be safe. Also, there's some swearing, because if anyone's earned the right to swear it's General Leia Organa.**

 **One more thing: this fic assumes (for approximately two sentences) that Rey and Poe have spoken and are friends. For my interpretation of how that happened, you can go check out my other story, Pilot Light.**

 **Hope you enjoy!**

Rey wasn't sleeping.

It was halfway through one of her off-shifts from flying the Falcon, and she really should have been getting some sleep before her next shift on. Instead, she was curled on the floor in her usual spot in the corner of the cockpit, staring at the wall.

Rey had never been the best sleeper, even when she'd had long, hard days of scavenging to tire her out. Now, she had nothing to do but sit in a chair, she lived her life in six-hour bursts that were really no good for her body's rhythms, and she slept on a ship surrounded by _people_. Even if the only person near her while she slept was Chewbacca, even if she trusted Chewbacca more than she'd trusted anyone in her life before leaving Jakku, that was hard to get used to.

Not to mention, her recent encounters with Kylo Ren and his master weren't helping.

Neither was the revelation (or was it a revelation?) about her parents.

Neither was the worry, faint but insistent, that had been growing in her ever since the throne room, when she watched the man on the throne die and fought his guards.

Rey was fairly certain Jedi weren't supposed to take pleasure in death.

 _What if_...

No. She would not turn. She would never.

But would she know, until it was too late?

What if this was how it started? That moment of fierce joy, seeing her enemy sliced in two? The rush of battle, of killing those who would harm her? It had been gone like a shadow, but while it lasted... Rey had felt something strong, something... _powerful_. She had felt so weak, so powerless, so she had grasped it tight and used it the best she could.

 _What if that's how it starts?_

The journey to the Dark Side.

There was one person on the ship who might know something about Rey's concern, but Rey didn't want to bother her—she'd already lost enough, no need to reopen old wounds.

Instead, Rey's imagination went spiraling off into all the places Rey didn't want it to go.

Rey knew what Kylo Ren had done to those he used to love. She imagined Chewbacca's mournful wail. She imagined General Leia facing one more loss to the Resistance—and, just maybe, to herself. She imagined Poe's stunned expression right before she raised a hand to rake through his mind.

She imagined driving a lightsaber through Finn's chest.

That did it.

Rey got up to find General Leia.

General Leia, naturally, was doing paperwork. Filling out death reports on a holopad.

"Rey," she said, a beat before actually looking up. "What do you need?"

"I was... I was wondering if I could talk to you somewhere private," Rey said quietly.

General Leia immediately seemed to sense the seriousness of her concern. "Follow me," she said.

They walked along the corridors, and Rey realized they were going to the secret compartments. Which was perfect—at night people slept in them, but in this late evening hour at least some of them were likely unoccupied, and they were designed so sound didn't travel well to the main level.

When they arrived, General Leia knelt down and knocked on the roof of secret compartment number seven. There was no response. Cautiously, she opened the compartment. It was empty.

"Well," said General Leia, "come on in."

Rey climbed into the secret compartment after General Leia. Once the lid was back in place and they had gotten situated in the small space, General Leia looked at Rey and said, "now, what was it you wanted to talk about?"

Rey wasn't sure how to say what she wanted to say. Finally, she blurted out, "how do you know if someone's falling to the Dark Side?"

Just like that, the General fell off Leia's face. "Oh, Rey," she said. "What happened?"

"I tried to turn him," said Rey quietly. "I went to him and I tried to turn him."

Leia didn't say _you shouldn't have done that_ (she figured Rey knew). She didn't say _what did he do to you_ (or _what have you done to yourself?_ ) She didn't even say _oh, Rey_ (or _oh, sweetheart_ , or any of the other words that could have fallen off her tongue in reference to this young woman sitting next to her, needing more than anything to know that she was cared for). She didn't say what she wanted to say. Instead, she said what Rey needed to know.

"You don't have to spare my feelings," said Leia. "Whatever happened, you can tell me."

Rey nodded. Then, she began to speak.

"When I was on Master Skywalker's planet," said Rey, "something kept happening. Something strange." She paused. "I kept seeing Kylo Ren. Like he was right there in front of me. The first time, I tried to shoot him. But eventually... Master Skywalker was afraid of me, and I felt alone, and _he_ told me I wasn't. And he... showed me something... that made me look at things in a different way. And then... we were alone, and I reached out, and I touched his hand. And, just for a moment, I saw his future." Rey took a deep breath. "I saw that if I went to him, he would turn. And I thought, _what if this is how we win_? So I went."

Leia could tell that Rey was leaving some things out, but decided to let it be. "Go on," she said.

"So, I got to the ship, and he was there. And at first I thought maybe he'd just talk to me, but then he had some stormtroopers put me in handcuffs and brought me to his master."

"Snoke," whispered Leia.

Rey went on. "His master was sitting on a throne. He congratulated Kylo for bringing me to him, and said he was the one who'd connected us, as... _bait_ for me. From there, was just... _toying_ with me. He dragged me close and touched my face, and then..." Rey broke off, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

Leia was silent. Eventually, Rey continued speaking. "He went into my head," she said. "Kylo Ren did that when he had me prisoner on Starkiller, but him I could fight—I got back into his head, startled him enough that he left me alone. With his master... I had no chance." Another breath. "He took _everything._ Do you understand? Everything I'd ever done, everything I'd ever known, all the bad and the good, he put his filthy self all over it." Rey was blinking hard, trying unsuccessfully to hold back the tears that were running down her face.

Leia didn't hush her. She didn't say anything. Instead, she held out her arms. Rey seemed uncertain what to do for a moment, but then she scooted over and leaned into them, awkwardly at first, until they found a way to fit in the confines of the compartment. Rey's head was resting on Leia's shoulder, and Leia's arms were around her, and she continued with her story.

"And then..." said Rey, "he told Kylo to kill me. And instead, Kylo killed him. And then we killed his guards, together."

"Then what happened?" asked Leia gently when Rey seemed lost in thought.

"I asked him to come with me," said Rey quietly. "He wanted me to go with him. We parted on poor terms."

Once again, Leia sensed that Rey was holding something back, and once again she decided to let it go. "If that's all that happened," asked Leia, "not that that's not a lot to have happened—why did you come to me asking how to tell if someone's going to the Dark Side?"

"Because of something that happened when Kylo's master died. I felt..." she broke off. "When I knew he was dead, I felt _happy_. Jedi aren't supposed to be happy when someone dies, are they? And then, when we fought the guards... there was something inside me. Something that felt powerful—and dark. And I used it," said Rey. "And now I'm afraid..."

"You're afraid that, because you felt something Jedi aren't supposed to feel, you're turning to the Dark Side," said Leia. "You're afraid that what you felt while killing the guards was the Dark Side, and that that was your first step on the road to becoming another Kylo Ren."

Rey nodded, and Leia felt the motion as much as saw it.

"Have I ever told you about that time I killed a Hutt?"

Rey turned to stare at her. "You _what?_ "

"I killed a Hutt. Jabba the Hutt, to be specific. And I'm pretty sure I used the Dark Side of the Force to do it."

Rey stared some more. "You _what?_ "

"You heard me," said Leia with a faint smile.

"How... How did you... I heard he was killed by one of his slaves—wait, that was _you_ , wasn't it?" Rey looked awestruck.

"You've heard rumors about Hutts, then." said Leia.

"Yes," said Rey, "and _that_ one in particular." Rey shuddered.

"Well, I can confirm firsthand that they're all true. _Except_ the one about Hutts being invincible. Now, do you want the story or not?"

Rey kept staring in wonder.

"I'll take that as a yes," said Leia. "Han had gotten himself frozen in carbonite—long story—"

"What's carbonite?" interrupted Rey.

"Suspended animation tech. Keeps a person alive but barely, available for _display_ " Leia spat, "without any of the usual upkeep needs. Also has some medical uses, but Jabba couldn't have cared less about that. Anyway, he wound up at Jabba the Hutt's palace. Nasty place. I went in to rescue him and got caught myself."

Rey flinched.

"It was an... unpleasant couple of days, and I'd rather skip the details, but suffice it to say, I was feeling pretty helpless by the end of it. And then, my brother showed up." She made a wry expression. "It was a pretty sloppy rescue, as his rescues generally were, so I knew I had to help out _somehow_. And besides," she said, "I certainly wasn't about to sit back and let Luke and Han do all the work, especially after what Jabba had done. He'd put a chain around my neck and connected it to himself. So I wrapped it around his neck and I pulled."

Rey's eyes were wide.

"When I was pulling that chain, I felt something. Something powerful. I'd just spent two days feeling utterly powerless, so is it any wonder I grabbed it with both hands and used it to pull harder? It was only later that I realized what I'd done—inadvertently, in a moment of desperation, I'd accessed the Dark Side of the Force."

Rey drew in a breath.

Leia continued. "I never told Luke about it—I never told anyone. I never did it again, but I never forgot, either—and I never for _one second_ regretted it."

For a moment, there was quiet. "Now tell me," said Leia, "do you think less of me, now that you know what I did?"

Rey shook her head vigorously. "No!" she exclaimed. "You were only defending yourself. And you haven't gone over to the Dark Side—you only used it one time, for good. Jabba could never enslave anyone again, because you killed him. So that's good," said Rey. "And knowing about that does make me feel better. But I'm still worried about me. I'm training to be a _Jedi_ , Jedi aren't supposed to feel this way. What if this isn't the only time? What if turn and hurt the people I care about? I've never had friends before, and suddenly... I have _family_ ," said Rey.

"That's good," said Leia. "And it's good that you're thinking about this sort of thing. It means you'll listen to your conscience. But let me let you in on a little secret," she said. "I don't believe the Jedi got everything right."

"You are not the first person who's told me that," said Rey. "Master Skywalker wasn't too fond of the Jedi. He kept telling me they needed to die, but he never told me why he thought that—besides that they allowed some people who were strong with the Dark Side to rise, and how could they have prevented that? What do you think was wrong with the Jedi?"

Leia took a deep breath. "The Jedi required their members to relinquish emotion, attachment. That's one reason I declined my brother's offer of training—I wasn't willing to give up the attachments I had left. I had other reasons, of course—I was _busy_ —but that was a big one. And I don't like their code." She paused. "I watched my planet explode. I've been tortured and enslaved, however briefly. I lost my son and felt my husband die. For me to say 'there is no emotion' after all that would be utter banthashit. And for you to have to pretend not to feel after what you've been through would be banthashit, too." She looked at Rey. "This isn't how you were expecting this conversation to go, is it?"

"Can't say it is," Rey replied.

"I believe in letting people choose their own paths," said Leia, "which is why I let Ben train with Luke—he wanted to. Of course, now I wonder what it was he _really_ wanted..." she trailed off. "But my _point_ is, Rey, you can choose your own path. You don't have to be bound by the Jedi code. You're allowed to feel, and it doesn't make you any worse of a person." She paused. "Rey, do you want to destroy the First Order?"

"Yes," said Rey.

"Good," said Leia. "You should. _And_ , that desire is of the Dark Side. The Dark Side seeks to destroy, and too much of that is a very dangerous thing. But sometimes, a little destruction is exactly what you need. The key is balance."

"When I meditate," said Rey, "I can feel that. Balance, I mean. And... the dark doesn't feel wrong. It feels like it's supposed to be there." Her brow wrinkled. "But... there's so much darkness out there, I have to be the light to balance it."

"Yes, you do," said Leia. "And you will, I feel it. But the Jedi don't own the light."

"Also not the first to have told me that," muttered Rey.

Leia smiled. "Just remember, Rey," she said. "If you need the dark again, it won't automatically turn you. Turning to the Dark Side is more insidious than that. And if I sense you beginning to turn, I will tell you." She paused. "I want you to be the light. I want us to win this. And I want you to know that if you aren't a perfect Jedi, that can still happen."

Slowly, Rey nodded. "Thank you."

"Now go get some sleep," said Leia. "And Rey? If you ever want to talk about what you're not telling me, you can always find me. I may be busy, but I'll make time. Or you could go to one of your friends. They're good people."

Rey nodded. "I just might do that," she said, raising the lid of the compartment.

[Where were you?] asked Chewbacca when Rey got back to the cockpit.

"I was talking to the General," Rey replied, curling up in her corner.

[Get some sleep,] said Chewbacca.

"That's the plan," Rey muttered.

Within minutes, she was sound asleep.


End file.
